Going Inwards

I am back on the World Cup Tour, and we are starting off with the first contest this weekend in Ruka, Finland. 

I am in a much different place at this time than I was last year.  I am having to re-form my goals and deal with my emotions of the Games.  I worked for 17 years to stand in the gate with the ability to win a Gold medal at the Olympics, and now that that moment has come and gone, a different path must be layed out.  

It has been an interesting journey for me after the Games.  I was not prepared for the the aftermath of my outcome from the Games.  I did not visualize or even think that i was going to fall at the most important event of my life.  The value of that fall is coming to the forefront, with the realization of the opportunities that 'could have been' if i had finshed that run and won that coveted Gold medal.  Gold was not my fate on that day, and I am in the midst of dealing with the rawness and the realness of that split second mistake. 

I felt so supported by Canada up there in the gate... by my family and friends, my coaches and support team, the nation, the media, the corporations, the sponsors, the fans and the communities.  It was an amazing feeling to stand up there on the shoulders of so many, and I am forever grateful for that opportunity and to those that made that possible for me.  I am proud that I was ABLE to stand up there and KNOW that I had a chance for that gold medal.  A real chance.  I had done EVERYTHING possible to prepare for that moment, and I have never felt so ready.  

The year leading up was extremely focused and intense, to the point where i had to shut myself off to even my friends and family to make sure that my focus was 100% on my skiing goal.  I changed my cell phone number twice in the year leading up to the Games, I declined all invitations to BBQ's and celebrations, my support team handled all media requests and appearance scheduling, and I rarely went out of my house or training centres.  Every choice that I made was to be preapared for that moment at the 2010 Games.  My choices on food, training, sleeping, resting, travelling, social events and famly engagements were all based on whether or not it was going to serve my best interest for performing at the Olympics or not.  I did not miss a beat.  Every single little detail... and then some. I invested my heart and soul into this chance.

And so, I put everything into this chance... and it was only a 30 second chance.... to win an Olympic GOLD... and I came out in a heap in the middle of the course.  I pushed myself close to my potential but beyond my experience level.  I went after my dream run of skiing fast and performing those 2 jumps.  I knew that I was taking a risk, but it was a very calculated and trained risk, and one that I had to take because I knew in my heart that I had to step up to my potential.  I knew that I had a chance for a medal if i didn't do those jumps or try to ski that fast, but I knew that i had a better chance for GOLD if I did push to that level.  The Olympics to me was not about playing it safe and hoping for a medal.  It was about going after it.  I was not going for bronze on that day, I was going for what i was capable of.  Bronze was not a goal of mine.  My goals going into the games (in order of importance) were: 1. To push my limits and ski to my potential. 2. To push the barriers of womens mogul skiing. 3. To inspire 4. To win a Gold medal.  I had no choice but to go after that.  At the end of it all, even with the crash, I beieve that I accomplished 3 out of 4 goals.

I can stand proud of all of the things that I had to overcome to accomplish those things.  These are the lessons that I will carry with me forever, and that will serve me in the future.  I am a better person for having gone through the challenges of pushing my limits in so many ways. 

However, I am still left in this place of emtyness and mourning for the loss of that dream.  The fact that I cannot re-do that moment and claim that Gold medal in Vancouver as my reality is really heartbreaking.  Letting go of this dream is like letting go of a loved one.  I feel scared and alone and empty.  I have to build new dreams and new ideas.  I have to live on without the old dream.  I am left to dig deep into myself to re-kindle my passion and my desire to be a great mogul skier.  I need to find those concrete reasons that enabled me to come this far and that drove me from the begginning.  What is it that keeps me wanting more from sport and myself?  What now? 

For me, the basis of why I ski is still the same as when I was a kid.  It is the simple feeling of being outdoors, the shared moments with friends, the adrenaline of facing a challenge, and the want to continue to be better.  I pursue being a great skier to pursue being a better person.  They go hand in hand.  I have only just seen glimpses of what I am capable of (and we saw some of it with my speed and jumps at the Olympics), and I am going after those feelings.  I KNOW that I can ski that fast, I KNOW that I can land those jumps, and I will continue to pursue this path until I feel satisfied that I have actually skied to my full potential as a mogul skier. 

Along the way I get to experience and learn so many life lessons that I may not come across if i give up on this pursuit.  The things I learn about myself when I push through some of my fears, doubts and emotions to accomplish a goal is life changing. It is a big challenge to stand in the gate week after week and attempt to deliver my best, time and time again.  There is not one time that I stand in the gate that is exactly like the last.  Many different factors come into play that I must work with like the weather, my equipment, my health, my emotions, my relationships with my family, friends and sponsors, and my commitments to my businesses and my community.  I must be adaptable, focused and aware of myself and my surroundings all of the time.  I need to be able to stick to a plan to reach my goals, but be able to change them if something stands in my way. 

Sport is not about the medals, really (of course those are nice rewards).  It is about the pursuit of being the best that you can be as a human being.  Sport is a tool for experiences and self discovery.  At the end of the day, although I do not have a medal hanging around my neck, I still have the lessons and the experiences that I will carry with me forever, and nobody can take those away from me.    

Sport has also given me the chance to share all of my lessons with others, so that they can learn and grow from my experiences, too!  

I encourage all of you to go after what you want, for yourself.  Go after what you believe in.  Don't do it for money or fame or recognition, becausee in the end all of that stuff will still leave you empty.  Do it because in your heart you know its right for you.  In this, you will find gold, because the gold is always shining within each and everyone of you...  you don't have to go out to find it... go inwards.